The Gaze Remembered
by erenstitanbutt
Summary: The first thing he'd ever noticed about the boy was his eyes. (Probably OOC and definitely sad levieren thing written to fight writer's block.)


A/N: So, I hadn't planned this fic, but I was thinking about Eren's eyes and it pretty much wrote itself. I'm sorry for the sad instead of an update for Demons...but this is also sad so win win? No, really I'm sorry that all I can write is sad. Have at a rare finished piece:

The first thing he'd ever noticed about the boy was his eyes.

It was impossible not to see them when they stood out so well, framed by tanned skin and dark locks of hair (his hair was surprisingly soft, Levi later discovered). Determination, wild anger and a glint of insanity shone within their teal depths. Those eyes glared at him from the shadows of his cell and burned into his own, the after image etching itself into his mind for all eternity. Everything else about his personality and appearance registered mere moments later, but every time Levi saw him the first thing he became aware of were those searching, gorgeous eyes. Even before the link of tension developed between them, that gaze sent shivers down his spine.

Those eyes were ever more expressive, flashing every one of the boy's fleeting emotions. When he was happy, they glimmered like the water beneath the surface of a pond when sunlight cut through it and rippled softly on the sandy bottom. When he spoke of the land beyond the walls, they lit up with whimsical passion, like stars. When he was angry, they burned. Smoldered like cerulean embers. And when he cried (earnestly, angrily, out of sheer frustration) those eyes were not hidden. He cried openly, eyes swimming shamelessly. The feeling in his eyes was always raw and Levi wondered at them, as his own face was always blank. He couldn't afford otherwise.

Those eyes brimmed with nervous energy and curiosity when that link of tense electricity did form between them after a time. The mounting pressure built and built until one day it snapped and then, then those eyes turned on him with naivety and hope and confusion. Then they held longing, wanting, knowing, and Levi knew he was the same in every way. He also knew that they were setting themselves up for a lifetime of pain, but when such a pair of burning blue eyes met his cold grey ones he forgot his words of protest and only remembered the heat of a hand in his and the pressure of chapped lips on his own.

Those stunning eyes gleamed beneath Levi's body in the dark, lids hooded and pupils blown with desire. They portrayed his wild smile when his lips were taken by Levi's own, and spoke the words they both knew they could never speak aloud (somehow they knew) in this time. They were both insane, but they both knew it and they both didn't care. Physical feeling was a link to reality, and reminded them that they were alive when adrenaline and lust pounded through their veins. Emotional feeling was a link to the humanity Levi had given up and that Eren struggled to find within his monster of a self.

Eren. Eren Eren Eren.

He was no boy now, never truly was, for someone who'd seen the true terrors of the titans and watched his family comrades die before the age of legal adulthood was not a child. So, it was the man, Eren, who had consumed all of Levi's existence, and that in itself was a terribly, horribly risky thing. They balanced on a branch high above the ground, twirling in a dangerous dance that could send them toppling over the edge at any moment, together or in entirely opposing directions. The truth of it all was simply that they were both broken pieces of some puzzle forced into their place in this world, but somehow they fit together perfectly in the middle. Despite the strength of the bonds that held them together, everything balanced on a point, and Levi now carried the unspoken fear that it would all come crashing down some day, if the weight of humanity and the weight of the fate of said humanity's hope wasn't enough to crush him first.

Nothing plays out the way one wants it to, they both knew. And yet, they held on to what they had to the very last moment.

And even now, he doesn't regret it. The gaping wound in his life no longer bleeds, but it never heals over. It isn't a sharp stabbing in his chest with every move he makes, instead an incessant, dull ache he sometimes escapes in his sleep, when his dreams reunite them for a moment and it's all heat and living and raw energy again. Until he wakes up and it's like losing it everything anew. Breathing never came easily, but now he has to fight for each intake of air to fill his heavy lungs. It's all worth it, though, because it's better to have love and lost than never have loved at all, or so he tells himself.

Even now, Levi can still picture those eyes as clearly as the day he first saw them. He wishes his last memory of them wasn't of them dull and lifeless, like a deathly still lake reflecting storm clouds, even though they were speaking promises to him when that last breath left Eren's body. The ghost of warmth against his lips is always imagined, but Levi knows he remembers the way he smelled of spices and pines and rain and something uniquely Eren. He remembers that wild smile and his laugh and the salt taste of his tears and he remembers everything.

Sometimes, he want's to forget, but he never will.

Eren would've loved the ocean. For Levi, it's cold, the water makes his skin sticky and the sand gets everywhere. But Eren would've run right into the waves, stared in wonder at the white peaks, plucked shells from the ground to stare at them in wonder. He would've ran right onto these rocky cliffs and spread his arms, welcoming the salty wind in his hair. Levi can see how it would look all windswept, how he would frown quizzically at the salty taste of the water, and he can feel the excitement that would crackle in the air around him.

Down on the beach, Mikasa and Jean stand alone. They are the last of Eren's friends to make it. They wade out into the waves to send off the bottles in their arms. Within is a tribute to each of their fallen comrades and others, including the original Special Ops squad, even the traitors. Hanji and Erwin watch them from the shore, both of them saluting (or as much as they are able to). From the cliffs, Levi can see their camp about a quarter-mile away. He looks back down at the two worn soldiers in the waves as they toss corked bottles into the water, kissing each one before it leaves their hands. His slender fingers close around the key hanging from his neck, which is heavy enough to be a mountain.

He pulls it over his head and turns it over in his fingers, watching the grey light cast by the clouds glance off of it. The ocean waves crash below, and for a long moment, if feels like the world has stopped. The waves move back and forth continually, but even as he speaks time remains at a standstill.

"Eren," he says, and the name feels both alien and at home on his tongue after months of never uttering it. His voice is far too weak for his liking, but he can almost feel that intense gaze on him and it's making him wonder if he's gone mad. There's so much to say, but now, he doesn't know how to word it. How could he? He never even said three of the most important words to his most beloved, how could he open up now?

He still wonders if there is an afterlife. He wonders, maybe even dares to hope that Eren is watching him with those stunning eyes and waiting for him to inevitably join. He wonders if Eren knows that the titans are gone now, and that his death was one of the lasts. He wonders if Eren can see the ocean. He wonders if Eren can see or hear him. He wonders if Eren knows that Levi no longer has a place in this world because the aftereffects of a lifetime of fighting are harrowing. He wonders if Eren even exists in any aspect other than memories and ashes- ashes that have been scattered into the waves and wind- anymore.

His words don't fit into place correctly, but he says them anyway. Every syllable weighs a thousand pounds on his tongue.

"Do you know how empty I am? It's because I'm selfish, but I am, Eren... I'm empty." An empty box with a thousand weights still pressing on it, with bending and splintering sides. He'd been hollowed out, and now he was breaking. "Although, it isn't unexpected. My life has served it's purpose. I don't really have anything left for me. I know what you'd say to that, but you aren't here and I'm talking to nothing but sea-foam and wind." He looked out at the water again. "You'd like the water," he breathed. "You'd love the breeze. If only you could see this world. You told me you had no regrets, but…"

The key was now warm in his hand. "I don't regret you, just that you aren't here now. I think you knew you were going to die the moment you realized what being a shifter meant. Isn't that right? You always knew, and yet you hoped. Foolish, but brave." His mouth twisted into a humorless smile. "I remember you, Eren. I wish I could forget it all, but I'm glad I can't. Your eyes are just as bright in my dreams as they were in reality. And just as lifeless in my nightmares as you are now."

Something dropped on his wrist, and Levi realized he was crying. He let out a long, shuddering breath that hitched into a laugh at the end. How cruel fate was, how sick the humor of the universe was. How pathetic he had become.

But he had never been strong; the ropes that held him together were. Now that they were gone, cut or untied or slipping away even now, he was falling to pieces. The dam that held his life's emotions in had cracked months ago; it now crumbled away completely, and everything spilled from his lips.

"I loved you, love you, will still love you. I'm sorry you never heard those words. I'm sorry you got to properly say them. I'm sorry." His knuckles turned white from gripping the damned key so fiercely. He help it as if he could make Eren come back if he tried hard enough. "Eren, you told me once you believed in reincarnation. You believed we got another chance at life, if the conditions were right. I really fucking hope you were right. You deserve another life, one better than this. One where titans are nothing but a legend."

He wiped at his tears, willing them away, only to have more slide silently down the sides of his face. His expressionless mask melted and left him with his brow furrowed and eyes squeezed shut, lips pulled back in a soundless cry. He hunched in on himself, every fiber in his body coming unraveled.

For a moment, he came completely undone in the most painful of ways, every chain of thought in his mind snapping and every molecule burning, a wave of unwanted emotion hitting him and making him feel nauseous. Everything had slipped through his fingers. There was nothing left for him. Even after all he'd given up, he couldn't have the thing he wanted most. He was dying, going insane, wasting away…

And then it ended, like the waves rushing back into the sea. He stayed stock still as his pieces reconnected and the feeling passed and his teeth unclenched. He patched himself back together and buried everything that wanted to surface, locked it away as he was so accustomed to doing. He gradually relaxed, shakily straightening himself out.

Levi pressed his lips to the key. "Eren," he whispered against the metal, eyes closed because he could still see a pair of aquamarine ones behind them. "I will find you again. I'll remember you, even a thousand years from now. Wait for me." And then he opened his eyes and drew his arm back. He took a deep breath before hurling the key that, in a way, had started and ended everything over the cliff's edge in one swift motion.

It glinted in the dull light for a heartbeat before disappearing into the briny waves, maybe someday to be found by someone who'd never even heard of a titan.

With that as closure, he turned his back on the waves and brushed his remaining tears away, no more came. Some day, they'd be born again. In that world, things would work out for them. Until then, Levi would hold onto the memories of all the times he seen those bright eyes and felt their searing gaze on his skin. Until then, he would wait. For Eren.

He would wait an eternity or longer if he had to.


End file.
